


dust & ashes

by lostin_space



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Depression, Explosions, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Suicidal Tendencies, discussing mental health, dramatic confessions, michael guerin is kind of a dumbass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-02-23 01:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23936710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: Alex knew it’d gone too far the minute the sirens started going offagainand Michael didn’t exitagain.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 33
Kudos: 169





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is the original version of [this](https://spaceskam.tumblr.com/post/616748062160928768/you-are-not-a-hero-alex-watched-michael-freeze) that i wasn't going to post but decided why not
> 
> as always, if there's any tags I missed, please let me know!

Alex knew it’d gone too far the minute the sirens started going off _again_ and Michael didn’t exit _again._

“Guerin!” he yelled, running through the halls of the stupid hideaway trap that his father set up. It was a secondary base for Caulfield, holding replicas of all the medicines and serums they’d made at the prison _just in case_. He should’ve known this one was rigged with explosives too. 

And Michael was right where he’d seen him last, on his knees and frantically trying to pick the lock of the cage to try to get to them serums. It broke Alex’s heart for all the wrong reasons. The first time was different. That he was trying to save his mom, that he understood. This time? This was him trying to help Maria. And that fucking stung. Funnily enough, she was outside and hadn’t come back in to save him.

So who was the real dumbass?

“Guerin, for the love of god, _come on,”_ Alex begged, going to grab his arm to pull him away. Michael shoved him off, rejecting him so fucking easily. His heart broke a little more. “ _Guerin!”_

_“_ Go away, Alex,” he spat, not even giving him the courtesy of looking at him, “This has nothing to do with you.”

“It has more to do with me than it does you!” Alex screamed at him, looking around to see if there was any quicker way to get out of here than the way they came. There wasn’t. There time was really, really fucking limited. His heart was thudding in his chest in desperation, every instinct telling him to go. Leave him. It wasn’t worth it. 

Except he was.

“How do you figure that one, Alex?! You didn’t create this shit! But it could help Maria and her mom! Let me help them!”

“You can’t help them if you’re dead!” Alex screamed back, clenching and unclenching his hands. Why wasn’t Maria the one risking her life for him? Why was it always Alex? Why didn’t he get anything out of it?

“No, Alex!” he yelled again, finally looking back at him. Tears were streaming down his face and his hands were red from trying to unlock the thing that seemed impossible to undo by hand or by telekinesis. “I need this! I need to do something good!”

“ _You aren’t a hero!”_ Alex screamed, reaching for his arm again to pull him. But Michael was dead weight, staring up at him like he just crushed all his dreams. “You aren’t! If you die in here, you never will be! You’re an idiot!”

“Then just leave,” Michael told him, “Why are you even here? Just leave.”

“Do you have a death wish or something?! What are you trying to fucking accomplish?!” Alex demanded. The sirens were blaring and clearly they were staying. If he was going to die, he wanted to know what the hell was going through his mind. He needed to know. Because he knew it wasn’t him.

“I want to do one good thing,” Michael said, voice soft and pathetic and hard to hear under the sirens, “Just one. That’s it.”

“Michael,” Alex said, taking a shaky breath as he realized this was really it. There was no way they could even make it out in time at this rate. This was it. So he slowly got onto his knees, looking at him on his level. He looked at little confused at what was happening, but he stared into Alex’s eyes like they held the answer. And maybe they did if he could just accept this so easily. “Michael, you’ve done good things.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head, “I’ve done nothing.”

“You have,” Alex told him, keeping one hand on his arm and moving the other one to his cradle this cheek. If that was his last sight, even if it that stupid love was one sided, he would at least die content. “You’ve done good things. You don’t have to be a hero to do good things.”

“You really need to go, Alex,” he said. Alex felt tears build in his own eyes as he watched him. He really didn’t love him anymore. “Go before it’s too late.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, sniffling softly as the sirens got louder and he knew they had only a few more seconds. So he combed his fingers into his hair once more, seemingly making Michael even more confused. “I don’t wanna live without you. No regrets.”

“ _Alex.”_

“Don’t feel guilty,” Alex said, tears streaming over his cheeks at the same speed as Michael’s at the feeling of his curls wrapping around his fingers like they belonged there, “I just can’t do it.”

“You’re being stupid,” Michael insulted because he always did. Alex closed his eyes. “Go, Alex. I’m not fucking worth it. I-”

“Don’t love me?” Alex filled in, voice breaking just a little and realization seemed to hit Michael in the chest. It brought on a whole new wave of tears. “I’ve known for awhile. It’s okay.”

“No, what? No. Stop it,” Michael said, suddenly seeming to realize what was going on. He quickly started to move to his feet, pulling Alex with him. It wasn’t that easy though, his prosthetic wasn’t really prepared for that. Michael had to hold him up as he tried to find his footing. “Stop it, you’re not dying in here, not for me. I refuse to let you die right now. You are not dying thinking like that, fuck that.” 

“There’s not enough time,” Alex said, grabbing onto his shirt and just looking at him in the eyes so he could pretend for one last second that they could’ve been happy. “Don’t feel guilty.”

“Alex, I love you,” Michael told him, frantic and desperate, “I love you, so we need to leave, _c’mon_.”

“Thank you for lying,” Alex said, hearing that one siren start to last just a tiny bit longer than the one before and he knew that was it.

Alex bowed his head against his chest, focusing on the peace he felt with him and letting that consume him in his last moment. Michael clung to him right back, wrapping him up in his arms and he smiled. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be all along. Maybe it really was _them._ Just not in the way he wanted.

Except Alex heard the explosion and he felt the heat, but it didn’t touch his skin.

“Don’t move,” Michael whispered, “I don’t know how long I can hold this, so don’t move. You’re not fucking dying because of me.”

Alex listened, he stayed still, but he didn’t feel an ounce of relief. In fact, it was slowly filled with dread until he was crying for another reason entirely. Michael held him tightly as his crying perhaps got a little out of control, but he couldn’t help it. He’d accepted that this would be his last moment and now it wouldn’t be. Now he’d have to be alone. Now he’d have to watch Michael waltz back out to Maria and he’d have to go home alone and he’d have to live alone and he’d have to die alone.

“Let me go,” Alex said against his neck, still not moving just in case it would hurt Michael when he clearly still wanted to live, “Let me go, I don’t want this.”

“Don’t want what? To get out of here?” Michael scoffed, “Fuck you if you think I’d let that happen.”

“I’m _tired,”_ Alex cried, wishing he could understand. Michael was stupid, but he had reasons to live and people to live for. Alex was alone and, once this place blew up, there wasn’t much of a reason for him to be around anymore. This felt like the perfect opportunity to get it over with.

Michael’s hand slowly went to the back of his head, hands shaking as he moved with deliberate steps. He pulled his head back, that telekinetic force field staying in it’s place. He made Alex look at him even if he didn’t want to.

“One time,” Michael said, blood appearing in his nose. He was straining himself. “Let me be a hero one time. Let me.”

“For Maria.”

“ _No,”_ he said firmly, “For me.”

Alex closed his eyes again, their foreheads meeting. He focused all of his energy into Michael, trying to give him any added strength so he could push through. It seemed to work, Alex getting weaker with each second that Michael held on too long. Because, as far as Alex was concerned, he deserved his happy ending.

Even if he wasn’t sure what that meant for him.

Eventually, the fire died down in an unnatural way at the hands of Isobel and Max Evans. Michael collapsed as soon as it did and Alex fell right with him, more exhausted than he’d ever been.

Alex wasn’t sure how long they laid there, side by side, until Max and Isobel found them, but he knew it felt like an extra lifetime. The floor was scorched everywhere except for that bubble Michael had created and Alex, as tired as he was, put his hand on his chest to make sure he was still breathing and his heart was still beating. He was a little sad that he’d survived, but Michael survived too. So it wasn’t all bad.

Footsteps sounded around them soon and Alex was nearly asleep by the time they did. 

“Are they alive?” Isobel whispered. Alex’s whole body was dead weight and he couldn’t answer. He just breathed and took solace in Michael’s breathing.

“Yeah, they’re breathing,” Max answered. They both got closer and began their attempt to wake them up. Which meant taking them away from each other. Or, more so, Michael away from Alex. They went to him first, pulling him away from Alex as they checked over him and Alex tried not to die a little at the loss of contact.

“Alex?” Michael croaked as he woke up again and Alex nearly sighed his relief, “Alex? Where’s Alex? Is he okay? Where is he?”

“He’s right there. You’re weak, drink this,” Max told him, probably holding up a bottle of acetone. There was silence for a second as he seemed to accept it.

“Alex,” Michael repeated once he got a little bit of his strength back. Alex would be forever jealous of how fast he was able to do that. Still, he gathered his strength enough to open his eyes to see Michael basically crawling towards him. 

He put his hand on his cheek and then checked his pulse, smiling sleepily as he made rough eye contact. Alex took that as enough confirmation that he could close his eyes again. He let Michael pull his head into his lap and took that as his reward for living.

“We need to get you both out of here,” Isobel said, “We can do the gooey reunion later.”

“Get me more acetone and I can just carry him,” Michael answered. There was silence for a moment before Isobel sighed and then she ran out of the room, quickly trying to go get it. 

“Michael,” Max said softly, “Your girlfriend is right outside. Do you think that’s a good idea, carrying Alex? I can do it for you.”

“No,” Michael said. It wasn’t antagonistic or angry, it was just simple. Telling Max _no. “_ Hey, Alex, you still awake?”

Alex grunted in response. He needed to sleep for a decade after this bullshit. He just needed... something. Something to make him forget how heavy his limbs felt when he remembered he had to wake up and function again after this.

“I’m not letting go this time,” Michael said, voice soft and certain as he dragged the back of his hand over his cheek. Alex managed to open his eyes and tried not to feel personally insulted by how _light_ Michael Guerin looked after that. It seemed saving Alex from certain death was enough to make him tick off that hero box in his mind. It was self-centered and inconsiderate and it made Alex feel like he really was just a pawn to make him feel good about himself. But, still, his eyes held so much certainty and, as tired as he was, Alex felt seventeen again.

He felt loved.

“My hero,” Alex told him, using the rest of his energy to give him that. Michael smiled bright and shook his head, stroking Alex’s hair and cupping his cheek in his hand.

“Yeah. Yours,” Michael said, “I’m gonna be good for you. Just you wait.”

Alex fell asleep and tried not to get his hopes up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael acts like an adult for once as they talk about mental health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> self control who?

Alex woke up slow, his skull feeling like it was stuffed with cotton and his limbs feeling like they’d been filled with concrete. He didn’t want to move, much less be _awake_. 

The longer he stayed awake, though, the more he realized that he had to actually _be_ awake. He’d almost gotten out of that, almost found a way out. The fact that he had to still get up and keep existing brought unwarranted tears to his eyes. His chest ached and he curled in on himself, tears falling from his eyes that he refused to open. He took shaky breaths and tried to calm himself, but that was hard. He didn’t want to be here. 

“Alex, are you awake?” 

It was the first sign that he wasn’t actually alone and he instantly grabbed his blankets, pulling them over his head. He tucked them in around him to form a tight cocoon. That’s when the person in the room decided it was a good idea to touch his arm. Alex curled further in on himself and hoped they’d get the fucking memo. He wasn’t a fucking petting zoo.

“Alex,” the voice said again and Alex realized it was female. Instantly, he wondered where Michael was. The last thing he remembered was him promising he wasn’t going to let go. Where was he now?

“Go away,” Alex groaned, tears still falling freely. There was no sign of them stopping and he had no plans to come out of his blanket cocoon until they did. Maybe not even then.

“I want to talk to you,” Maria said. 

Alex’s body ached and he buried his face in the pillow beneath his head. He was in his bed. How did he get here? Who put him there? Who let her in? Who took off his fucking prosthetic? His skin suddenly felt too tight, itchy and irritated and like he wanted to climb out of it completely.

“Alex, seriously, this is important,” she said. Alex squeezed his eyes shut and his chest felt too heavy and it felt too hot. If he was alone, he would’ve made a little space to breathe. But he wasn’t alone and he would rather suffocate than let her see him cry. “Okay, then I’ll just talk and you listen.”

He didn’t respond, didn’t give her the satisfaction of him even moving. Where was Michael?

“Why didn’t you tell me you were still in love with him like that?” she asked. His heart clenched and he had to bite down on his hand to stifle any noises. “When you ran back in there... I thought I was going to lose you. Both of you.” Alex took deep breaths, trying to tune her out and convince himself to go back to sleep. “He said you didn’t want to make it out. Do you really feel like that? Like you have to die if you can’t be with him? Because that’s scary, Alex.”

Her voice was so soft, so concerned, but it felt more sinister than when Michael had seemed so proud of himself for finally playing hero. Why was everyone like this? Why didn’t she get that it wasn’t all about Michael? Why didn’t she get that this feeling wasn’t new? Why didn’t she get _him?_ What happened to friendship?

“Kyle thinks you need to get help. Real, institutional help. And I think he’s right,” Maria went on. Alex found himself crying even harder and it had nothing to do with the fact that she was saying he needed to get help. It was the fact that she thought she had any right to tell him that. Where was Michael? What happened to never leaving? “We can’t force you obviously, but, as your friend–”

“What are you doing?” Michael asked, suddenly there and, instead of relief, Alex was filled to the brim with fear. Would he have to hear them kiss? Would they gang up on him when he was at his lowest? Would they refuse to give him a moment to _breathe_ and relax and readjust? Would they throw him to the side again? “DeLuca, seriously, I thought we all agreed to leave him alone for a little bit.”

“You aren’t leaving him alone,” she told him, voice much colder than it had been when she’d been talking to Alex. He took a steadying breath as the conversation shifted. Sure, it was still about him, but he wasn’t involved and that was better.

“We almost died less than 24-hours ago, I feel like I’m welcome,” Michael said.

“I’m his best friend, I’m welcome,” she returned. Silence fell over them and Alex wiped his eyes dry before new tears came and why couldn’t he just be left alone?

“Maria,” Michael sighed, “I just don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Okay, so, what you’re just going to choose him?”

Alex curled in on himself even more if that was possible. _Leave, leave, leave, leave, leave._

“Yeah,” Michael said. Like it was easy. Easier than it’d ever been. Alex held his breath in confusion. “Yes, I choose him. I thought I wanted something easy and not tied up, but _you_ aretied up in everything too. I can’t get away from it, but I can try to be better. And he makes me better.”

“Right,” Maria scoffed, “Because I didn’t _try.”_

“I’m not doing this right now,” Michael said. Why was he suddenly an adult? Did the hero complex actually level him out? “We can talk about this later. Let me focus on Alex right now.”

“I want to focus on him too,” Maria insisted. Michael let out a deep breath.

“I just don’t think you’re welcome.”

“You’re such an ass.”

Alex kept still until she was gone, only then making a tiny hole in his blanket to breathe. He didn’t know how to process being chosen over someone else. That didn’t actually happen. Did it even count if that someone else had actually been chosen a billion times before you were? It didn’t feel like it.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Michael said. Alex couldn’t see him and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He wanted to go back to sleep. “I’m sorry about that. Did I wake you up?”

Michael didn’t touch him and Alex wondered what was stopping him. Maybe he was too scared to. The bed shifted nonetheless and Alex’s breathing slowly managed to even out, the crying subsiding for a later time. Because he didn’t leave. He was right there.

“Sorry, again. Everyone stayed over last night because they were anxious and didn’t wanna be alone. I put you in here and kinda locked you away because I know how you are. Kyle still slept on the bench at the foot of your bed though, so that should make you feel good.” And it did. “But everyone kinda filtered out to go to work and I went to make coffee, that’s why I didn’t realize she came in here. I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“He speaks,” Michael said softly, shifting in the bed. Alex could almost feel him from how close he was, but he didn’t touch him. He still wanted to know why not. Maybe he didn’t want to. Maybe he was choosing him, but not like _that._ Or maybe this was his idea of being better for him.

“Why aren’t you touching me?” Alex asked, voice cracking from lack of use or the fact that he’d just been crying or the fact that he still was hurting. Maybe all of the above.

“Was waiting for the okay,” Michael said, sounding like he was relieved. He moved towards him, tucking himself around the cocoon Alex had made without disturbing it. His arm draped over Alex’s waist and his thighs so his hand could rest over Alex’s knee to keep him in that ball he’d made himself. His other arm went over Alex’s head, his finger tips a few inches away from the breathing hole he’d made. There was absolutely no way that he could’ve been comfortable, but Alex loved him for it a little more. “I’m gonna wait for your okay from now on. I think that’s where I always went wrong. Always assuming and pushing. Gonna follow your lead from now on.”

“I can’t lead.”

“You’re the best leader I know,” Michael promised him, “And that’s saying something, because I’m surrounded by a whole group of people who see themselves as leaders.”

Alex knew he should’ve laughed, but he couldn’t find it in him to do so. He just focused on this, on Michael. That was easier than focusing on his own thoughts.

“Yesterday was scary,” Michael whispered, “I keep thinking about it and I... I was too ready to risk it all, but you... Alex, please talk to me when you feel like that. Or someone. I know it’s not easy, but... I know you’re tired. Lean on me.”

Alex felt those stupid tears prick his eyes and he shook his head. How was he supposed to lean on someone who had an amazing track record for pushing him away? Michael pressed a kiss to the back of his head.

“Okay. Lean on Kyle until you can trust me. He’s there and, I might not like him, but he loves you so much and I love him for that,” Michael went on. Alex didn’t really believe that either. He just wanted to sleep more. “He made you an appointment with your therapist and sent in a new prescription for your antidepressants that you decided to stop taking. I know you and I know you don’t want to be institutionalized, but that means you need to work with us, okay? Please?”

“Why is it okay for you to risk your life, but I do it and suddenly I need a whole fucking psych evaluation?” Alex demanded, but his body was too weak to move. His skin felt unbearably _hot,_ but it was the only sense of comfort he’d had in awhile and he wasn’t giving it away.

“It’s not okay that I did that,” Michael said, “But I did snap out of it. You... didn’t.”

“Double standard.”

“Maybe.”

“Fuck you.”

“Keep going.”

“You can’t just suddenly act all high and mighty, like you know better because now you feel better about yourself. It’s unfair and stupid and selfish and it makes me feel like a fucking joke. I’m not just your fucking magical love interest to make you feel good, I’m not only here for you, I’m not here to just be apart of _your_ story, Guerin,” he told him. Michael clutched his knee and nodded his head, one of the fingers in front of Alex’s face moving beneath the blanket to gently tap his nose. It should’ve been infuriating, but Alex damn near melted.

“You’re right. You’re not just a pawn in my story and I am selfish and stupid. But I’m not trying to act like I’m better than you,” Michael told him, “I’m just trying to be what you need. You’re always what I need, so why can’t I return the favor? Just... let me try.”

“I don’t trust you.”

“I don’t expect you to.”

Alex took a shaky breath and moved his shoulder back to press into his chest. Michael pressed back.

“Share the weight for once and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you,” Michael told him, “And in the meantime, we find little things. Like, for example, I watered your plants. How’s that for trustworthy?”

Alex found himself smiling just a little bit. Even if it fell as soon as it came, it was still a smile.

“How’d you know they needed to be watered?”

“You have a calendar on your fridge, I read it when I was adding your therapy session to it,” he said simply, “Lean on me. And Kyle.”

“And Kyle.”

“Yes.”

Alex let out a breath and nodded, agreeing if only because he wanted to see if it was real. What was the worst thing that could happen if Michael let him down? He’d already been at his lowest. He could never be worse than he was yesterday. And if he ended up back there then... He’d handle it then.

“I love you,” Michael added, “Just... I realized I’ve never said it in a normal situation. But I do. I love you. I love you so much.”

Alex didn’t say it back. He didn’t have to.

He fell back asleep not long after, still in his arms with the hope that this would be a new normal.

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
